I wanted to share with you where I have been this past week and what I have learned…
I could be a wussy and blame a “cold,” but the truth is it all boils down to emotions.
I understand most aren’t ready to take responsibility for their own health and may resent me for this, but I intend on baring my soul to give you a better grasp on how this works for the next time you find yourself feeling run down…….
It ALWAYS ALL boils down to emotions, ALL dis-ease…….We don’t “catch” colds, we earn them…case in point…not ONE single person around me had it. So if it was a “bug” like “they” would want you to believe why was everyone else immune…?
Those who kissed me, fed me, touched me, washed me, not one “caught” the cold. Why” Because there is nothing to catch! It’s a state of mind!
I EARNED it!!!
How, you ask?
Yes, I was burning the candle at both ends and doing too much, ignoring my feelings and my bodies needs…but what was behind that? I’ll tell you…ignoring the emotions surrounding the third anniversary of my children’s kidnapping.
It was 3 weeks ago and I was so proud of myself I made it this time without wanting to kill myself…but at the same time I kept myself so busy that I didn’t have time to have those feelings….or even address the ones that were naturally creeping in.
I knew that I had to let myself catch up on some rest, but in order to avoid the pain of feeling, I keep pushing even harder and kept myself distracted.
When Leah told me last week she wasn’t feeling too well and needed some time to rest, I said, “Yeah, I’m thinking I need to rest as well”….I even suggested her cancelling the show was a “message from the universe” to remind me to ALSO TAKE TIME FOR MYSELF so I could feel it, the pain and other emotions I was suppressing, I even posted that in the facebook group!!!! HAHAHA But I still ignored it………..then the next night, Tobias….stuck in the dessert and unable to do the show….I said even then, “maybe it’s a message from the universe” reminding me AGAIN to take a break and take care of myself………LOL And what did I do???
Like any old stubborn student of earth working on healing their denial……………I keep pushing harder……….
So there I was in bed, knowing I had to heal something….just wasn’t sure exactly what it was. I mean I felt “it” but hadn’t spent enough time with myself the previous weeks to really see what “it” was. I thought to myself I can’t force myself to heal something I don’t even know is there……..I had honored my pain plenty of times before, I had accepted my resentments and the fact that I was unable to forgive some of those who have hurt me….I KNEW there was more…but what was it?
I kept telling myself, I can change, I am ready to change, I can heal, I am ready to let go…………but how do I dissolve my resentments? HOW??? I WANT to know, but HOW?!?!?!? And what specific resentments am I really holding on to…? I thought I passed that class already…?
The physical symptoms started AFTER I was able to be honest with myself about what I needed to feel and heal……..I knew I wanted to learn more forgiveness….but I thought I had already done that! Maybe there was a little in me that wasn’t completely healed…
just a little…?
On started the physical symptoms…
First the lungs and sinuses reminding me that I was in fact asking for help and crying in side…….reminding me I was in fact suppressing tremendous grief I felt I was not safe to express.
Next up the coughing and congestion which represented my desire to “bark” at the world for the pains I have held on to.
Back pain, neck pain, head pain which all amount to feeling unsupported and unloved by the Universe, fear, and self criticism……
Then the sneezing…where I was finally recognizing “stuff” (patterns) in me that I was ready to expel.
Well gee….I think I can put this puzzle together…..maybe…? Or will I continue to resist because “I never get sick?”
Yes, I was in fact burning the candle at both ends and running myself ragged, but even that was just a symptom….not the cause!
After 2 days of seeking I finally woke up crying…”I MISS MY BABIES! I HATE THE PEOPLE THAT DID THIS TO ME AND THOSE WHO WOULD TRY TO FUCKING TORTURE ME AFTER THE FACT! I HATE THESE MOTHER FUCKERS! THIS IS BULL SHIT!!! HOW COULD I EVER FORGIVE THEM!?!?!!”
Aha! The truth comes out! Finally!!!
GET IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRY BABY CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that’s what I did……….and am still doing……….
Funny to me how we let our brains convince us that it’s always something physical and that something physical is the cause………..
What’s even more interesting to me is that in the last show I did, I was talking about how suppressed emotions lead to certain illnesses and correspond with certain parts of our bodies….I had mentioned the liver, anger and volcanoes…..then a caller calls in and shares her recent experience with that, then asked me, “Christie, would you share an experience you went though like this?”
Oh yeah, sure………….little did I know I was a percolating volcano myself….after all, I was just “tired,” so I offered some of the times I’ve been flat out on my back and how I needed that down time to hear the message on what I needed to heal……..
famous last words……..
Here is the next example. Cara, I did it again!!!
And I’m sharing this with you all in hopes that you can start to see the patterns within yourself that also lead to your “illnesses.”
I thank the Universe for allowing me this downtime to heal the things I know I need and want to heal….now I just need to know the way…….
or maybe even that is already in me…and just the process of allowing it is healing it…?
Am I ever going to graduate from this school….? Probably not, but I AM learning every day.
I would suggest the next time you feel you are “coming down” with something….ask yourself what are you suppressing? What would you really like to be feeling if you weren’t so busy with everything else…? How would you love yourself…?
What do you feel ashamed about feeling, sharing, talking about…?
What hurts the most is probably the key to your healing…